He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
