Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
