They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
