I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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