No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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