have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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