Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
