My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
