True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
