Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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