don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
