Barsexuality is the new black.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
