I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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