Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
