Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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