So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
