I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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