He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize