Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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