You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
