I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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