Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
