I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
