Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
