I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
