Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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