Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I need moral support for this bender
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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