Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize