I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize