guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
