i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
