he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
