I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize