I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
