My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize