you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
cat food counts as protein by the way
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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