Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
