I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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