My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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