Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
