This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
