Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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