hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
