I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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