I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
