I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
