i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
