Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
