I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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