Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
