I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
