if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize