When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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