I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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