I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
