I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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