I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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