when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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