SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
