The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
