I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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