God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
