did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
