I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
